(This particular entry has been started, stopped, deleted, restarted, and re-written a few times already. Not that the version that gets posted will end up being the best, necessarily.)
I’ve been thinking recently of how broken we can (or should) show ourselves to be before eachother — how much of a mess we can admit to being.
See, I had this tendency a few years back to be brutally honest about myself with others, whenever a wave of introspection hit. Sins and struggles were confessed, and doubts about life and God were publicly hung like laundry set out to dry. I was broken and messy and wasn’t afraid of telling everyone and their mothers. The catharsis that naturally comes with dumping your baggage at the feet of others was gratifying, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t relish the “Rae, your honesty is so refreshing” accolades I occasionally received (particularly when they were from cute girls). There was even this weird, ironic arrogance that cropped up in me . . . as if I was somehow more “together” than others just because I gave voice to my issues. The 29-year-old me of right now would kind of like to punch the 20-year-old me of back then, actually.
[Don't be fooled — this kind of honesty only came in online forums (kind of like . . . what I'm doing right now). Actually seeing another's reaction to the crap you've just laid before them was a step I just wasn't too interesting in taking. Didn't seem safe enough.]
That tendency seems to have disappeared over the past few years, probably for a combination of good reasons (for instance, protecting the privacy of my family and myself) and bad reasons (for instance, thinking that real men don’t give voice to such things). I’d be perfectly satisfied with closing everyone off and putting up the “Perfect PCA Elder and his Perfect PCA Family” front if that pesky Apostle James hadn’t written that whole bit about Christians needing to confess their sins and struggles to one another . . . and since that happened to make into something we call “God’s Word”, it’s probably pretty important that I heed that advice.
So, how do we set our mess out before everyone without falling into despair? On the other side of that coin, how do we do it without becoming satisfied and comfortable with being “messy”? How do we create safety for others to be broken with us, and at the same time, have the courage to lovingly encourage them to get out of the junk that they’ve become so comfortable sitting in?
I don’t know yet. Any thoughts?
7 comments ↓
It’s a huge and tangled knot of problem caused by sin, isn’t it?
I will say that the SaLT group you were in at Northbrook now has a new dynamic, and I do not feel as comfortable there as I once did. Confession in particular has grown difficult, stilted, adn really strangled. While the 20-year old you may have been not wonderful, I miss the 26 or 27 year old you that was still honest and open, but maybe not as proud of it: I kind of feel like you gave the rest of us a sort of tacet permission to be more honest and open with each other.
And it’s not there now. I miss it. I’m actually trying to decide now whether or not I want to stay at Northbrook if I stay here in Jackson.
Oh, the number of times I have wrestled with these questions. Still no real good answers.
I think one key is submission. We are called several times in the NT to be submitted to one another. Bearing each other’s burdens.
When you submit yourself to someone, say allow them to criticize you or something. so you also see a heart of submission in them? People who understand biblical submission are the ones I typically find “safe” to be totally transparent with.
Wow. good post Rae.
The problem is Christians are still sinful. That means we can be judgemental and critical when we should be forgiving and full of grace.
What this means is it is difficult to trust one another, therefore difficult to share our hearts with one another. Now, I am one of these that has trouble being “transparent” and spilling my guts because I simply don’t trust people enough. I guess that is why I only have two friends, which is double what I had five months ago. LOL
I know someone who believes it is biblical to share burdens and share she does! What has it gotten her? Well, it has earned her a reputation as someone who needs attention all the time, someone who is selfish, all because she asks for prayer on many aspects of her life.
I instead sit there never requesting prayer and people think I have my life all together.
We are a screwed up people.
Rae, great post. It’s hard to find a happy medium between being brutally honest and closed off. And I’m not sure that I’ll ever find it. What I do know is this: sharing my thoughts with my husband and having him hold me accountable (and also share things with me that my be blind spots) is a blessing. I know that my father struggled a lot (and probably does still) with being real and also being appropriate, being a pastor himself. I appreciate you sharing your thoughts and hope to read more soon.
hey rae… this is a good question to wrestle with…i will tell you that i was blown away at a sermon by mark driscoll… at one point in the sermon he says that confidentiality does not exist at mars hill. i don’t want to try to repeat in what context he was speaking about but it did have to do with our own “private” sins and the confidentiality that exists in relationships with our christian brothers and sisters…if you want to listen to it it is a free sermon i am sure you know where to get them… it is called Pain and Progress (neh. 3:1-32) check it out.
Great post, Rae. This is exactly why I need to preach the gospel to myself everyday and to hear the gospel in church at least every week. I guess I’m very tuned in to auditory messages. I crave to be in a worship service that provides gifts from our Savior… to confess my sins with fellow believers, to hear the preacher proclaim forgiveness for my sins because of Jesus, to receive sweet communion, and to hear a Christ-centered, cross focused sermon. I need these gifts, at least every week.
I don’t tend to confess much to anyone but my husband. But, I think that is because of the church liturgy I described.
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