I blog for all the wrong reasons.
When I first started this blog, I was moving from a generic evangelical, uninformed, fiercely individualistic, barely post-youthgroup understanding of Christ to an understanding that was more scholarly, more communal, and decidedly reformed. I was reading and having good discussions, and wanted to share my new-found Calvinist intellectualism with the blogosphere. (I could almost certainly have been lumped in with what Mark Driscoll often mocks as “20-year-old Calvinists with blogs and nothing better to do”, except I was 25 and possibly should have known better.)
Since then, I’ve written about a few things . . . from my family’s search for a new church after moving last year, to the Southern Baptists’ freak-out over a coffee cup, to my disgust with liberal “Christianity”, and varioius other things. Recently, though, I’ve been asking myself two big questions about my blog . . .
1) Why am I doing this?
2) Have I said/am I saying anything worthwhile?
I’ve come to the conclusion that the answer to number 1 is ultimately “pride”, which is sin. I wanted to be the next “rock star” in the reformed blogosphere . . . in league with such folks as Tim Challies, Steve McCoy, or my friend Mark Traphagen. For a brief moment about a year ago, it looked as if my falsely humble blog might be on its way there. Comments were moderately high . . . I was being linked and hat-tipped by the likes of Phil Johnson and Wayne Leman . . . things looked good. It wasn’t long before all that came to a stumbling halt, and I was exposed (even if only in my own mind and heart) as the self-serving ingrate that I am. Readership was down. Comments were down. Thoughts on what to post were almost non-existent. Reading blogs from my friends and acquaintences shows me that I’m still just as uninformed and immature as I was in my pre-Reformed days. Christ seems to be less of a person to be treasured and more of a set of propositions to be cognitively apprehended. My passion is gone.
My pride, however, is amazingly resilient.
(By the way, the answer to number 2 is “maybe at one time, but definitely not anymore”.)
There’s a lot of sanctifying work that needs to be done in my life. There’s a good amount of maturity that needs to take hold. I need to learn how to love my wife as Christ loves the church, how to be a worthy father to my daughter, and how to lead my family as the Lord commands me to. There is much sin that needs to be killed daily.
If and when I manage to get over myself, and then find something that might be worth reading, I’ll write here again. Could be sooner, could be later. If you happen come around to this post, pray for me. There is much work to be done.
(Feel free to come around to my LiveJournal in the meantime. I don’t really post there too often anymore either, but it’s the place to get updates on my personal life and such. And don’t forget my Flickr.)
12 comments ↓
Blessings on you, brother, as God leads you along. I trust this won’t be the last we hear from you on theological topics; you have much to share.
I have this feeling that you’ll bounce back when you realize that you don’t have to be perfect to blog.
Perfection ain’t the issue.
Sorry to see you stop. Your blogs were making a difference in my life. I’ll continue to pray for you and your family and if you need anything, you know how to contact me.
-CN-
my pride sometimes feels insurmountable.
best wishes in your efforts to find a way to loving your wife better. being good to my spouse has proved a more difficult task than i could have imagined. i have a long way to go and a lot to learn.
and as far as being a worthy father- you’ll never be worthy. clint says something to me that i love: it’s not about being the perfect parent, it’s about being able to say you’re sorry. it’ll be one of the best presents you can give her later in life- an apology.
and for everything else, well, you’re not alone. we all do pretty much everything for all the wrong reasons. = )
Sounds like I’m in much the same boat as you are, Rae. Honestly, I initially moved from LiveJournal to a “real” blog for the freedom to customize it as I saw fit… but I’ve become very jaded with the whole rock-star aspect of it. When I get going again on my site, I’m definitely going to approach it with more of a focus on community. I don’t want it to be a one-man show… (of course, the problem is in figuring out how to accomplish that!)
Hey Rae, I’m really not much of a regular here, I came across your blog when googling issues with the Macbook. Anyway, the thing that I liked about your blog was your honesty with what was up in your life. Pretty refeshing actually. See, most blogs ar either the informative websites, or the personal journals online. Then you have the in-between blogs. This blog was very much a personal journal it seems. Maybe that’s what got you a bit tired of it…for example, I write a personal journal (offline) once a week on my computer. It is a way to drain all my thoughts out and such. And when I write, I really am aware of my imperfections. So, a blog can do that to you. Anyway, the best blogs are the real ones…
Let me give you some honesty in return: One reason I think you’re feeling burnt out with everything is due to
how you’re dealing with the “answers” of life. Do you know why we are here on the earth? Where we came from? Where we are going? Do you believe in absolute truth? Seriously, peace comes when you know these things in your heart, as well as your head.
I know you don’t know me personally, and I only know what you’ve shared online. But I would urge you to consider The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and what it truly means when prophets and apostles with priesthood authority direct from God (not from school) are on the earth again.
God bless you. I hope you don’t stay away for too long.
Israel.
Hey Israel . . . I appreciate your comment and I’m glad you became something of a regular reader on my blog. I hope you check back regularly, as I’ll probably make a return to writing, sooner or later.
I appreciate the concern as well. Um . . . I don’t really have any lingering questions about the nature of life, its purpose, or anything like that. The whole head/heart-knowledge thing is a constant struggle, but ultimately, it’s grounded in the objective fact that Jesus was crucified, buried, and rose again to take His father’s deserved wrath away from me. I feel pretty much “at home” in the Presbyterian church (and other evangelical reformed churches), and I’m being taught the truth there, so I don’t think I’ll be coming over to LDS any time soon.
Stick around.
You are loved, Rae. And I pretty much echo Liz’s comment here. I hope to see you writing sooner, rather than later.
Ironic you get a lot of comments on this, huh? Recognizing sin is the first step, repenting of it is the second. Sanctification is a funny process, the more we think we mature in one aspect of life, the more we might become more sinful in another. Thankfully, God causes all things to work together for His purpose of those who love Him. And it is we whom He predestined to become conformed to the image of Christ. I don’t think Christ would have been a blogger, after all, he never even wrote down anything for posterity! He simply trusted in the Father’s plan that His relationship with His disciples would be effective enough to ensure that His Church would be built on earth, thanks to the work of the Spirit. The personal influence we leave on others can go a long way, and it worth infinitely more than comments or eprops or whatever.
So, Ray, I’m happy that you’re ready to take yet another step in the mortification of your flesh. I praise God for it. Someday, however, I think you’ll be back blogging for the glory of God. And I look forward to that day with great anticipation.
Me? A blogging rock star on the order of Challies?? I almost choked on my bagel reading that.
I fully understand the pride and ego issues connected with blogging. Believe me. I’ve found that taking a hiatus occasionally is good for a number of reasons. For one thing, your reader count goes way down, and only your real friends stick around. That helps take a shot at the pride thing. But many of those hiatus times I thought I might be calling it quits. Instesd, after a while, I felt renewed and ready to write again, hopefully with a little more wisdom, grace, and discernment.
I hope the same happens for you!
I am proud of you (is that ok?) for stepping down. It was nice to be able to follow your life from down here in Alabama.
I’ll check back to see how things are.
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